Spending Time Together Beats Organizing Caregiving
In the midst of our caregiving journey, my sisters and I never discussed the process, the day-to-day stresses, the how-to-do this job of caring for elderly parents. If anything was verbalized, it went something like: “it’s your turn,” “you go next time with mother to the doctor since I forgot that question” and/or “didn’t understand what he said”, or the inevitable shriek of “Help.”
We didn’t even consider making a schedule so we could better plan our time to caregive. I’m well known in my family for my obsessive-compulsive organizational skills and still no schedule. Both Virginia (married, living in West) and I (single, in Austin) were retired, Carol (the baby sis., in Austin, recently met THE man) was working. Could a schedule work? With Mother, there were weekly–then bi-weekly–then thrice-weekly treatments (transfusions); her teeth (six remaining) to be extracted; a pacemaker inserted; and numerous doctor appointments. With Daddy, a schedule did not materialize but that’s an entirely different story for later.
With Mother, time seemed to stand still for us. We girls put our lives on hold. We couldn’t do enough for her. The calls to her cardiologist at his home, Virginia’s daily house checks, Carol and I making additional joint trips to help out, to visit, to simply be there. We threw ourselves into this affair with caregiving.
I’m glad we forgot that schedule. Instead of expending time and energy on a mundane task, we spent that time more productively–being together and enjoying the moments left.
In hindsight, DO MORE of enjoying the moments left.
What a sweet story! Thanks so much for sharing it. It reminds me of when I was a young mom with toddlers, and would read books that pointed out, we would always have dust, dirty clothes, and errands to run. We wouldn’t always have those sweet toddlers. 30 years later, I realize how right they were then and how right you are now. We need to focus on one day at a time and treasure the moments, no matter what season of life we are in! :)Thanks for a great reminder!
Comment by Kaye - SandwichINK — July 15, 2009 @ 9:45 am
Loved your comments about spending time with Mom instead of obsessing about schedules and the “to do” list. I found the best times with my mom-who died on my oldest son’s birthday a year ago-were had when we weren’t focused on the tasks of caregiving, just being. In the end - that was the real care and the gift to both of us. We shared stories, played games, read aloud, cried some, laughed a lot and learned more about each other and ourselves in those months that we had in the previous 60 years. When she died we both were complete. Another Austinite!
Comment by Nancy Wesson — July 15, 2009 @ 6:16 pm
Thank you, Nancy, for your lovely comment and story. I’d love to post your story on our In Daughter’s Care blog. It’s heart warming and lovely. I remember my last weekend visit with mom.. she was very weak and all we did was visit.. I loved sitting in chair next to her (for hours) saying little and holding hands. Oh, what sweet, sweet, memories.
Thank you, again, for visiting our blog. My sisters and I appreciate your visit and lovely comment. It’s so true and a wonderful reminder for family caregivers.
All my best to you,
Carol Marak
Comment by Carebuzz — July 16, 2009 @ 7:57 am
[...] Here’s a good reminder to cherish our moments with our aging parents. [...]
Pingback by Monday Micro Links for the Sandwich Generation 7 20 09 | SandwichINK.com — July 20, 2009 @ 12:56 am
Wow, where did you get those sisters? When I showed up to care for Mom 7.5 years ago…well, the three sisters split. Later I learned they had been planning this for decades. Carol didn’t have any children, so it was her turn to suffer. One of the three eventually admitted she’d been remiss, but she isn’t well nor nearby. One of the “evil” sisters has been in Mom’s house four times since Mom fell three weeks ago, and hasn’t even acknowledged Mom nor the accident.
That’s enough. Good you all have support. Try doing it solo, unpaid, for 7.5 years. Thank goodness Mom is enrolled in a senior day care program 4 hrs day.
Comment by Carol Wright — July 20, 2009 @ 10:29 pm
Hi Carol Wright,
Sorry to hear you do not have a lot of support. Yes, we sisters are blessed to have one another.. so were are parents.
We did our best to pitch in and help as much as each could.
Bless you,
Carol Marak
Http://carebuzz.com
Comment by Carebuzz — July 21, 2009 @ 7:50 am